Holy Moly, Arachnamole!

It turns out spiders are pretty easy to carve out of most things and make a wonderful add-on to any macabre decoration. It’s funny, but I keep asking myself why all these horror treats come out so “cute” looking?  Is it me, or does food just lend itself to whimsical.  It has to be the artist, right?  Am I not dark enough?  I feel like Casper jumping out of a closet screaming “Boo!” while all the kids laugh.

Well as long as they’re entertained, right?  And I’ve got more projects to validate my ghoulish-ness.

Ingredients:  5 or 6 avocados (two for decorations), three large tomatoes, 1 tablespoon lime-juice, 1 teaspoon cumin, a dash of garlic powder, and a bit of imagination.

The avocado sliced in half makes up the body of the arachnid, while two avocado halves will make up the legs. Same with the tomatoes. Everything else can get mixed and mashed together, like any good monster mash.

There are lots of uses for guacamole, other than chips ‘n’ dipping.  You can use it on a burger, toss it in a salad, slather it in your tacos, or even use it as a decorative topping.  My mind’s already spinning with ideas for this green garnish.  Only seven weeks left till Halloween, kids!

Orb-Weaver’s Pizza

This is one of those experiments that was perfectly photogenic from every angle– unlike me.  What’s an orb-weaver, you ask? Allow me to explain from my vast knowledge of the arthropods (I actually just looked this up). The orb-weaver is the most common class of spiders found in typical gardens and are responsible for creating the popular “wheel-shaped” webs that you often see.  And that starts us off with the basic Mozzarella cheese webbing:

For the sauce, I prefer using a basil blend of tomato paste and herbs. After that, it’s carving and shaping of “stuffing” mushrooms. For the legs, I used a portabello mushroom.

Interestingly, the olives (for the head of the spider) helped create a “face” on this pizza.  I call it pizza-face, or how-I-look-after-a-bag-of-doritos.

Once complete, spread on a little cheese- my specialty. Obviously any form of mozzarella works. But if you’re at all adventurous, I recommend trying a tuber-based vegan cheese, such as Daiya. Whole foods has a brand of their own that they are perfecting. It doesn’t try to imitate a dairy cheese but rather creates a unique flavor that is deliciously creamy.  My girlfriend and I fell in love with this the first time we tried it.

Bake AT 400 degrees for roughly 22 minutes, depending on how thick your crust is. Nowadays when I order out, it’s typically thin crust to help combat my fat gut. But at home I can perfect my own thick, delicious and moderately healthy crust.  As if you care…

PIZZA-FACE!  Not planned at all, just one of those occasional happy-accidents. I consider this to be the ultimate macabre pizza serving two horrific images.

MOVIE ENTERTAINMENT:  Earth V Spider and Horrors of Spider Island— both MST3K versions.  If you’re not familiar with Mystery Science 3000 well, then, you’re simply not a nerd and that geek card is now revoked.  But more importantly, you’ve been missing out on a decade of great creativity and humor. Shame on you! But lucky for us all you can view many episodes on YouTube. Now go crawl away and watch!


Sometimes simplicity produces beauty over sophistication, and other times the simplest creation leads to utter chaos.  I’m thinking of my jello mold that took me an hour of frustration to put together and never made it into the show.  There is so much trial-and-error in this macabre experiment, that I’m often wondering if this will ever get easier.  Fun, you say? There’s pay-off and even the failures still taste great.  But it takes a lot of work to put these together and there never seems to be enough time.

But you, my horror-geek fans, make it fun. And someday I hope we have a huge party and bring all our collaborations together for one night of memorable scary fare. Starting with this one:  Fruit and Ice Cream. Who knew it’d be so colorful? And simple. A perfect harmonious blend.  Zen chow.

Of course, you can always serve it without the ice cream, which would of course no longer be Ice Spiders. Instead one can name it after that other cheesy SyFy-channel original movie, Arachnoquake. Which is appropriate considering my little hometown was just rattled with another tremor.  Could it be spiders?  I don’t know about you but I’m thinking of sleeping with a stocking over my head.

INGREDIENTS:  Two peaches, two plums (or any seasonal, fresh fruit), ice cream (Vanilla and strawberry in this case), and cake topping or whipped cream.

MOVIE ENTERTAINMENT:  The obvious choice is the classic SyFy-channel Ice Spiders.  But being that Los Angeles shared a little jolt this evening, I’m leaning towards the even cheesier Arachnoquake starring T2’s young John Conner: Edward Furlong, who looks more and more like a doped-up Peter Lorre.  See for yourself and judge, baby. Hasta-la-vista.


This week we honor our venomous neighbors with a SPIDER WEEK tribute!

Why am I so hung up about them? (See what I did there?)  A few weeks ago some of you may have come across the same true story that gave me a goosebump or two.  It all began with our hapless victim “Mrs. Lee” who checked into her local Chinese Hospital after feeling an irritation in her ear for five days.  Yes, Holmes, you’re onto this story– a small spider had rooted itself in her ear!  Home sweet home.  All ended well, but for those curious horror geeks who need more details, including the actual photo of the intruder, click here.

This first dish is a simple ratatouille blend.  INGREDIENTS: Bell peppers, red onions, potatoes, zucchini, olive oil, vinegar,  tomatoes, lemon pepper, basil, oregano, garlic (or garlic paste), and lime juice.

Ratatouille is traditionally a blend of seasonal vegetables served as a side dish. But it kicks off our tribute as an entree thanks to its four-eyed star: The green spider is a stuffed bell pepper with a zucchini end serving as the head.  Trimmed asparagus finish off the eight legs.

For best results, sauté the vegetables and herbs in a saucepan.  Then pour the vegetables into a casserole dish and add some olives.  Stuff the bell pepper as you wish (I’m partial to pepper-jack cheese) and slide the zucchini head into place.  (And who doesn’t enjoy a good head sliding?) Bake for 20 minutes at 350 degrees.  Serve up!  And if you happened to use my suggestion above, you’re going to love the cheese-covered legs. Save one for me!

This simple dish is easy to serve and quite fun to make.  And with words like trimmed legs, sliding heads, zucchini ends, and stuffed pepper– how can you not be enticed?


Figs, Feta, and Eight-Legged Freaks!

Looking for an arachnatizer to go with that eight-legged bell pepper? Try this tangled treat!

Ingredients:  Figs, feta cheese, almonds, sugar, honey, and green beans.  The tricky part is caramelizing the almonds as so much can go wrong (and you bet it did).

You’ll want to use superfine sugar, about half a cup.  Before doing anything, coat all your utensils and cookware with cooking oil.  I didn’t, so learn from my boneheaded mistake.  Melt the sugar in a pot, then dip the almonds in (one at a time) and quickly remove with a fork.  Place the almonds on an oil-greased plate and let it dry a few minutes.

Mix the almonds, sliced figs, and feta cheese together with a dash of honey. If you’re feeling peckish, slather a bit of honey on the figs that make up the body of the spider. (Play a little dirty dancing music if it’ll help you get into the mood- your taste buds will thank you for it). Sliced green beans (un-cooked) can carefully break to represent the angular legs.  For a climactic bonus, carefully slide a piece of feta cheese covered with honey inside the spider fig. And don’t think dirty thoughts.

These colorful spiders are fun, easy to make, and quite decorative for any macabre occasion.  It’s even better if you have nieces or significant others to spook- throw ’em in their lunch bags or leftover containers when no one’s looking.  After all, who isn’t entitled to a good scare every now and then?

Tonight’s Dinner Movie treats:  Arachnid, Spiders, and Eight-Legged Freaks!

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